Scene from untitled action movie

INT. CAR – DAY (or should this be EXT as the car is outside? Check this)

DAVE

Drive like you stole it!

BRIAN

Stole what?

DAVE

The car.

BRIAN

But I didn’t steal it, it’s my car.

DAVE

It’s a metaphor.

BRIAN

No it’s not.

DAVE

Yes it is. It’s a metaphor meaning you should drive quickly.

BRIAN

It’s not. You said ‘like’ that makes it a simile. Not a metaphor.

DAVE

I don’t think that matters. What matters is that we need to get the memory stick with the secret intelligence on into the hands of the MI5 agent as quickly as possible.

BRIAN

And anyway, it’s a stupid thing to say.

DAVE

What is?

BRIAN

Drive like you stole it. I mean the basic purpose of a simile like the one you used.

DAVE

It’s a metaphor

BRIAN

The basic purpose of a simile, or metaphor, whichever one it was you used.

DAVE

Thank you.

BRIAN

Is that it saves time.

DAVE

I don’t get you.

BRIAN

Well, say I was trying to explain some extremely complex issue to you that you didn’t need to understand fully, but it would be useful to have a basic grasp of.

DAVE

Yes.

Brian

Well, I could use a simile.

Dave

Or a metaphor.

Brian

Or a metaphor to save time by illustrating the point with an easily understood comparison. For example, I could say if we don’t get the secret intelligence to the MI5 agent soon our brave boys in whichever politically expedient conflict zone is used in this film will be up shit creek without a paddle.

Dave

That’s a metaphor.

BRIAN

It is. Also, can you remember to do caps for you name?

DAVE

You stopped doing them first.

BRIAN

THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT.

DAVE

You’ve gone caps for everything now. I don’t like it.

BRIAN

Fine. Anyway, the point is that metaphors and similes are essentially time saving devices, but the simile.

DAVE

It’s a metaphor.

BRIAN

It’s a simile, Dave. The simile “drive like you stole it” is actually longer than phrase it’s standing in for which is “drive quickly”. Thus, the simile, and it is a simile Dave, stop denying it, is fundamentally useless and actually wastes time in a situation where, let’s face it, we have very little time to waste.

DAVE

Well, drive quickly then.

BRIAN

I thought you’d never ask.

I have come to realise that the thing that happened the other day was actually all about me

I have come to realise that the thing that happened the other day was actually all about me. At first I thought the thing that happened the other day was only of interest to idiots, and said as much on my Twitter account.

But when these idiots who were interested in the thing that happened the other day tweeted me to disagree with what I had said, I realised the truth. The thing that happened the other day was actually all about me.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but the thing that happened the other day was actually the perfect platform for me to explain why I am always right and that everyone who disagrees with me is a demented fascist.

The thing that happened the other day was about me because my opinions are correct and important, whereas the opinions of people who were originally interested in the thing that happened the other day are wrong and unimportant.

And besides, the opinions of people who were originally interested in the thing that happened the other day can be read on the internet for free. To access my opinions, you have to buy a newspaper and everything. Who is more important? It’s clearly me.

Now, some might argue that the fact the internet allows widespread commentary on events to occur almost instantly, effectively rendering my job obsolete, is the real reason I dislike people who use the internet to spread their opinions. But it’s not, and anyone who says it is is a demented fascist.

Equally, some might argue that the fact all reasonable positions to take on events are cogitated almost instantly online forces columnists like me to take a deliberately contrary position in order to get noticed. But they are wrong. Because they do not have a column in a newspaper, like what I do. And also they are demented fascists. Fascism, of course, being the name given to the political doctrine espoused by anyone who disagrees with a newspaper columnist. And if we have established nothing else in this piece, it is that I am an important person with a column in a newspaper.

So while of course some idiots will remember the thing that happened the other day as a sad thing and claim that it is something we should be sad about, the truly enlightened (that is to say other people with newspaper columns) will remember it as a happy day when I realised that the thing that happened the other day was actually all about me.

That should actually be the end of the piece, but unfortunately I have to file at least 600 words or I don’t get paid and my editor shouts at me. It’s standard practice here to find something else to be angry about, such as foreigners, or for me to tell what I believe to be a charming story about my family without realising that the average reader finds me and mine utterly abhorrent. Sometimes, I might even combine the two and tell a story about going on holiday with my family and having an unsatisfactory experience caused by some foreigners.

Still almost 60 words to go. What would Caitlin Moran do? Probably use a word that’s a bit rude but not too rude. Willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies, willies.

7 reasons this man is so unhappy to be stood next to his 4 washing machines

washing“I am a tiny man enslaved by normal-size washing machines.”


washing“Each of these giant washing machines is haunted by the spirit of one of my four deceased wives.”


washing“This was not a laundrette when I first began standing on this spot back in 1992.”


washing“At night these washing machines scream with the voices of the damned, but the manufacturer won’t do anything about it as they’re all out of warrantee.”


washing“I owe a great deal of money to the Ghost Mafia and they make me wash their Ghost Mafia sheets for free.”


washing“No. I do not know anything about a newspaper advertisement that said ‘LaundryLand Theme Park’ could be found at this address, nor do I know anything about these missing children of whom you speak.”


washing“None of these sexy washing machines will fuck me.”

I embedded 100 different tweets with the word “cheese” in and now I demand that Buzzfeed gives me a job

A reading from the Book of Balustrade

blanyardOne of my most enduring memories of celebrating Balustrade Lanyard Day as a child was trying to excitedly predict which reading the vicar would give from the Book of Balustrade. Today, on Balustrade Lanyard Eve, I’ve been poring over the verses trying to pick my favourite. It was a struggle, but I think we can agree the following extract captures the true spirit of the day.

“And on the eight day, Jesus did return to the town. There he saw eight men of Caledonia, who lined the street on the rooftops high and between the balustrades they did poke the flag of the people of Israel while wearing their lanyards fine.

Jesus said, ‘Who are you, you eight men of Caledonia, who have on this eighth day poked the flag of the people of Israel through the balustrades that line the street on the rooftops high while wearing your lanyards fine?'”

Then, one of the eight men of Caledonia who had, on this eighth day, poked the flag of the people of Israel through the balustrades that line the street on the rooftops high while wearing their lanyards fine said, ‘My name is Balustrade Lanyard and I speak for these eight (including myself) men of Caledonia who have on this eighth day poked the flag of the people of Israel through the balustrades that line the street on the rooftops high while wearing our lanyards fine.’

Then Jesus said, ‘What a coincidence that you, the leader of the eight men (including yourself) of Caledonia who have on this eighth day poked the flag of the people of Israel through the balustrades that line the street on the rooftops high while wearing your lanyards fine, should be called Balustrade Lanyard.”

Then Balustrade Lanyard, the leader of the eight men (including himself) of Caledonia who have on this eight day poked the flag of the people of Israel through the balustrades that line the street on the rooftops high while wearing their lanyards fine, said, ‘Yes, it is a bit, isn’t it?’

Tiny Ed Miliband: My shame at Salmond photo

tinyed
It’s not easy being tiny. There’s the obvious stuff, like the fear of being stepped on. But then there’s the loneliness. When you’re small, people just forget about you. Mum and Dad were always good to me though. Dad built me a little table and chair set of my own, and Mum made me a miniature dinner set, including a cup made out of a thimble, so I could have a sit down meal like anyone else. But despite everything they did to make me feel normal, I knew I was different from a very young age.

That’s partly down to Big Ed and Dave, I suppose. Not that they bullied me. At least not any more than brothers usually do. But when you’re growing up with two people who look very much like you, it’s hard not to notice that they’re getting bigger while you stay exactly eight inches tall.

It’s never been explained to me exactly why I’m so much smaller than Big Ed. My parents never talked about it, so I can only speculate as to why we’re so different. Maybe it was aliens, or a shrinking ray, or a failed teleportation experiment like in The Fly (the version with Jeff Goldblum, not the black and white version). In the old days, I’d have blamed it on a gypsy curse, but that’s probably a bit racist now.

I’ve never been jealous of Big Ed and Dave’s political careers, but it did hurt me when they ran against each other for the party leadership. They would have blinding rows, and I’d be begging them to stop but, because I’m only eight inches tall I have a very quiet voice, so I don’t think they could hear me.

But that pales in comparison to the Alex Salmond photograph. I’m not sure Big Ed will ever forgive me for that. Things weren’t quite what they seemed, though. I was conned into doing it. I was so excited when a man knocked on my door said I’d been cast in an advertising shoot for a major fashion brand. I know now that was a lie. Yes, I should have read the contract properly, but because they used a normal-sized pen it took all my strength and concentration just to sign the thing. I wasn’t thinking straight.

They told me the theme of the shoot was “big fashion, tiny prices”. So I wasn’t at all surprised when they popped me in the other model’s suit pocket. Of course, it wasn’t Alex Salmond – they added him in afterwards with Photoshop. “Make a face like a hamster,” they said to me. So I did. Now that face is staring down at me from billboards across the country.

My world caved in when I found out what they’d done with the pictures. My first reaction was to call Big Ed and explain. But as I’m only eight inches tall, I had to lever the handset from its cradle using a complex pivot system before jumping on each individual number. By the time I’d done that, several hours had passed and Big Ed was even madder with me because he’d had to learn about it through the first editions of the papers.

I’m devastated about the whole thing. My only hope is that rays from a magic transistor radio will hit me, transmogrifying me into a normal-sized person. Perhaps then I’ll be able to undo some of the damage I’ve done.

Five signs you are marrying the wrong person

It has been months in the planning and at long last your big day has arrived. But can you be absolutely certain you’re marrying the right person? These five tips will help you avoid making a mistake that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

1 – You do not recognise the person you are about to marry

Take a long look at the person you are about to wed. It is important they have a strong physical resemblance to the person you have been engaged to. Consider the basics such as hair colour, eye colour and number of teeth. Take note of any disparities between the person standing in front of you and the mental image you have of your intended spouse. If there are more than two or three differences, you should exercise extreme caution.

2 – You do not recognise anyone in the church

Next cast your eyes over the wedding guests and ask yourself “do I know any of these people?” If the answer is no, this is another hint that you may be marrying the wrong person. Given the propensity of weddings to attract distant relatives and other hangers on, you should focus your attention on the front-most pews. Traditionally, the big hitters such as mums and dads will be located in this area. If you can’t see your mum and dad this is a strong sign that you are about to marry the wrong person. Or that you are an orphan.

3 – The vicar says unfamiliar names during the vows

As the evidence mounts, it’s important to keep one ear on the vicar and the names he reads out during the course of the ceremony. You should ask yourself two questions: 1) “Did he say my name?” and 2) “Did he say the name of the person I am engaged to?”. If the answer to either of these questions is “no” you may wish to make sure you heard the vicar correctly. Politely request that he repeat the names. If you were mistaken, quietly apologise and the wedding will continue without a hitch.

4 – You do not recognise the name of the church

Churches can be confusingly similar, what with their funny coloured windows, organs and baby-wetting facilities. Calmly exit the church and make your way to the sign that bears its name. Read it and ask yourself “is this the name of the church in which I intended to get married?”. If the answer is “no” you should think long and hard before re-entering the building.

5 – People keep ringing you to ask where you are

Does your phone keep ringing? Do people keep sending texts asking where you are? Has your future spouse left a tearful message questioning your commitment to your relationship? If the answer to these questions is “yes” then there is a strong chance you are about to marry the wrong person. HOWEVER, bear in mind that if you have already completed step four in this guide, these phone calls may be the result of your having just walked out of the church in which you were to be wed.

 

Britain’s Next Top Judge – the rules

Britain’s Next Top Judge is a reality TV show I’m hoping to develop over the course of 2015. It’s straightforward and I think it has the potential to be a huge hit.

  1. All judges must judge in Britain’s Next Top Judge. Any judge failing to judge will be judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge.
  2. All initial judging will take the form of judging on real-world criminal cases.
  3. The judging of the judge in the initial case will then be judged by a judge. If the judge is judged to have judged well then he will proceed to the next round of Britain’s Next Top Judge. If the judged is not judged well then the judge will judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge.
  4. All subsequent judgments after the initial judgment will also be judged.
  5. The judgment of judgments made by judges as part of the initial judgments in Britain’s Next Top Judge shall not be legally binding.
  6. If a real-world case that has been judged as part of Britain’s Next Top Judge is referred to the court of appeal, then the court of appeal judgment must also be judged as part of Britain’s Next Top Judge.
  7. If a judgment is made in the court of appeal which overturns a judgment made by a judge in Britain’s Next Top Judge, then the judge who made the initial judgment will be judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge.
  8. Furthermore, if the court of appeal overrules a judgment made by a judge as part of the initial phase of Britain’s Next Top Judge and a judgment has already been reached on the judging of the judge in the initial case and the judge who made that judgment judged that the initial judge judged well, then the judge who made the subsequent judgement will also be judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge.
  9. However, if a judgment made by the court of appeal is subsequently overturned by a judge in a higher court, then any judgments made under Rule 7 of Britain’s Next Top Judge will, if applicable, be reversed.
  10. If a judgment made by a court of appeal judge is subsequently overturned by a judge in a higher court, then the court of appeal judge will be judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge.
  11. Furthermore, if a court of appeal judgment is overruled by a subsequent judgment and a judgment has already been reached on the judging of the judge who made the court of appeal judgement and the judge who made that judgment judged that the court of appeal judge judged well, then the judge who made the subsequent judgment will be judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge.
  12. Additionally, if under Rule 4 of Britain’s Next Top Judge, a judge who has judged that a judge has judged poorly (and hence the judged judge has been judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge) is then judged to have judged poorly, then the judging judge will be judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge and the judge who was judged to have judged poorly (and hence had been judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge) will be readmitted to Britain’s Next Top Judge.
  13. However, if a judging judge who has judged that a judging judge judged poorly in judging a judge judged poorly is then judged to have judged poorly, the second judging judge will be judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge, while the judge who judged the initial judge’s judgment will be readmitted to Britain’s Next Top Judge and, simultaneously, the initial judge will be judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge.
  14. However, if a court of appeal judgment overturns the judge in the initial case judged by a judged in Britain’s Next Top Judge and judgments have been made by judges under the circumstances outlined in Rules 12 and 13 of Britain’s Next Top Judge, then a judge who has judged that a judged had judged poorly when judging a judge to have judged poorly when in fact, in light of the court of appeal judgement, the judge who judged the initial judge to have judged poorly had judged correctly will be judged not to be Britain’s Next Top Judge and the judge who judged that the initial judge judged poorly will be readmitted to Britain’s Next Top Judge.
  15. However, if a judgment made by the court of appeal is subsequently overturned by a judge in a higher court, then any judgments made under Rule 14 of Britain’s Next Top Judge will, if applicable, be reversed.
  16. The judge’s judgement is final and no correspondence will be entered into.
  17. Unless the judge’s judging referred to in rule 16 is itself judged to be poor, in which case we probably will reply.